How to Overcome Parental Guilt: With Olessia Lapina

As both a parent and a business leader, experiencing guilt as a result of a busy schedule is common. Parental guilt tends to happen because high-achieving parents feel as though they need to do everything, and do it perfectly — they want to succeed at work, succeed in raising children, and succeed as reliable friends, family members and romantic partners. 

This kind of mentality leads many parents feeling despondent, burnt out and guilty that they can’t constantly show up as their best selves for their kids, spouse or community. Instead of succeeding at everything (which is impossible), these parents start to withdraw, neglect their surroundings and wish for a better sense of work-life balance. 

But with all of the many roles, responsibilities and distractions that make up our lives, how do we — the overworked, overtired parents of the world — actually achieve a semblance of balance? 

The secret is that we shouldn’t. Instead of looking at life like a balancing act, it helps to reconceptualize the way we live our lives… with all their many ups, downs and in-betweens.

Overcoming parental guilt about balance

A lot of parents who work high-stress jobs feel like they’re doing a disservice to their kids by not being present enough. And that may be true — even with “flexible” work schedules such as a 10 AM to 4 PM schedule, or a flexible work-from-home arrangement, the workload associated with a high-profile job can keep many of us away from our children during a formative period in their lives. 

Instead of finding balance, however, it might be worth looking into alternative solutions. That’s because “balance” as a concept sounds great on paper, but it’s not actually as exciting as most of us think. Think about it: when two kids are on a playground and they’re both sitting on a seesaw in perfect balance, what happens? 

Nothing. Nothing happens, because they’re in balance. And that kind of idle balance can be good sometimes, but is a lifetime of idleness what any of us want? Clearly not — if we did, we wouldn’t be high-achieving parents. 

Instead of looking for a lifetime of balance, what we should instead be focusing on is the fortitude, resilience and gumption to enjoy the thrill of a bumpy ride. Because life’s a bumpy ride, isn’t it? And there may be ways to put up some “guard rails” or “shock absorbers” that mitigate some of those bumps, but the truth is that we can’t ever get rid of all of them. It’s like riding on a plane: even if you’re the pilot, you can’t stop turbulence from happening here and there. 

So, rather than looking for balance, let’s instead look at ways to think differently about our roles and responsibilities as executives and parents. Specifically, let’s tackle the guilt associated with having an “unbalanced” life, and the desire to fit the roles we’ve been told we need to fill. 

Reexamining our roles as parents

If you’re the parent of a child whom you feel the need to be present for at every single step of their life, chances are high that you might have some unhealthy beliefs formed through guilt. These kinds of beliefs are evident in statements such as:

• “I need to be everything for my child.”
• “My child won’t grow up okay if I don’t show them how.” 
• “Other parents will judge me if I take breaks.”
• “I should be the most important thing in my child’s life at all times.”

While thoughts like these might sound rational, they can actually be harmful to the development of your child — after all, healthy children are raised by healthy parents, and raising your child out of guilt isn’t a healthy way to look at parenting. That’s a lose-lose scenario for both you and your kid. 

Instead of tackling parenting from a balance perspective, it pays to tackle it from a thinking perspective. Addressing these kinds of thoughts and creating newer, healthier ones will help you become the kind of parent you need to be for your child. 

In short, this is your permission to step back, reassess and take things slower. And the way to do that is by asking yourself the following questions: 

• “What resources are available to me as a parent that could make my life easier?”
• “Do I have to do this all by myself?”
• “Do I need to pretend to have my life together one hundred percent of the time?”
• “If my business is less productive because I want to spend more time with my child, would that be the worst thing in the world?”
• “Is my guilt concrete? Or is it self-imposed?”
• “What happens when I release myself from my guilt? Is that better for my mental health?”

These questions are all aimed at helping you realize something central about guilt: holding it in and using it against yourself is akin to picking up a stick and beating yourself with it. When that happens — when you beat yourself up — are you better or worse at doing all the things you need to do in your life?

Clearly, you’re worse off. Being battered and bruised is no way to parent, nor is it a way to show up as your truest self for others in your life. That’s why my advice is simple: put down the stick and live your life. 

That way, you can live a cool, engaging and exciting life void of guilt for not being at 100 percent all of the time. And when that cool, exciting life gets a little overwhelming… you can always ask yourself, “What resources are available to me right now? How can I think a little differently about this situation so that I can invite more fun and excitement into my life, instead of stress and worry?” 

Hopefully that sticks with you. If you want more advice on relinquishing parental guilt, come chat with me.