Are You in the Midst of Dramatic Uncertainty?

By Kim Ades
May 7th, 2012

Uncertainty.  It's like a black hole that can swallow you alive. It's probably one of the most prominent challenges that I help my coaching clients deal with on a regular basis. It causes more worry, anxiety, and self-doubt than any other concern I have come across.  It creates frustration and paralysis.  It can take someone from bold and confident to neurotic and scared.  I've seen it over and over and while the circumstances are always unique, the symptoms are the same:

1. Something big happens to create a massive life shift (i.e. someone else got the promotion, you just got fired or bought out, your partner is going through a personal crises and decided to leave you, one of your most important employees just quit, etc.).  Essentially, the rug just got pulled out from under you.
2. Disorientation occurs where you try to figure out why this happened and what it all means. You replay the events over and over again in your mind and wrack your brain to figure out what you could have done or said differently and why you didn't see the writing on the wall earlier.
3. A dark period takes place where you feel nervous and scared about the future and what it holds for you. You are worried about money, concerned about maintaining your lifestyle, not sure about your career path and wondering what people are saying about you.
4. The confidence you wore previously, like a badge of honor on your chest, fades and is replaced with a cloud of uncertainty.  You wonder if you will ever come back from this blow and if your past success was really just dumb luck to begin with.  You don't know where you are going.  You are in a spin cycle, churning alternatives that are all flawed, leaving you on an unlit path with many sudden and disturbing twists and turns on the road ahead.

Uncertainty can wreak havoc with the most self-assured.  It takes strength and trained mental forbearance to deal with sudden circumstances that can ordinarily bring us to our knees.  Here are some recommendations for dealing with uncertainty ...

1. Use a journal to record your thoughts and emotions and to create a plan of action for moving forward.
2. Revisit past instances of major life upheaval.  What did you do at the time?  How did you handle those circumstances?  If you knew then what you know now, what kind of guidance would you give yourself?  Where did you muster the strength to get through those experiences?  How do those experiences relate or serve to help in this instance?
3. If this were a movie and you could assign yourself a role and give yourself a character - who would you like to be in this drama?  How would you like to ideally play this out? 
4. How is this experience an opportunity for dramatic personal growth?  Professional growth? Relationship growth?
5. What actions do you need to take to recover from this experience?  What do you need to finish off or close down?  What do you need to start or take on?

As a coach, my exposure to such a wide variety of circumstances that induce uncertainty has taught me this: all experiences, even if difficult, can be leveraged for growth.  It's only those people who are willing to examine themselves with honesty and take full responsibility for their lives who are able to move forward from debilitating experiences in a powerful and exceptional manner.  I have many clients who have experienced this transformation - I am privileged to get a front row seat in their development as it takes place.  

If you're in an uncertain circumstance right now, you're not the only one.  

We have options to support you in every phase of your journey:

• Engage in a Mastermind Group of like-minded people who are getting ready to be coached one-on-one.
• Start your private, intense, and intimate 1-on-1 coaching journey.
• Align yourself periodically post 1-on-1 coaching.
• Join a Synergy Group of advanced thought management practice post-coaching.

Contact kim@frameofmindcoaching.com to begin.

Which areas of your life are cause you the most uncertainty?  

Assess Your Frame of Mind to find out. 

FOM Happenings - May

By Frame of Mind
May 7th, 2012

May 23

Is Confidence Really That Hard to Find?

By Kim Ades
April 12th, 2012

I am one of those coaches who has the privilege to work with some of the most influential and accomplished leaders in their field.  These are people who have contributed immeasurably to their companies and to the landscape of their industries.  They are leaders who are talented, intelligent, extraordinarily driven and have the kind of energy that would knock you out in the first five minutes of engagement.  I am inspired by each of them and I am extremely proud to have a front row seat in their accomplishments as their coach.

They are powerhouses respectively.  Yet ... even after all they have achieved and proven to the world, as a coach, I have noticed a similarity across the board.  There is an undeniable trace of self-doubt that hovers in their midst.  Self-doubt that comes in the form of stalling, digging in their heels, over-selling, avoiding, and double-checking to gain the approval of others with every step they take.

Just this week alone, I have seen a senior executive cringe at the idea of letting her boss know that she wanted and deserved a promotion.  I have seen a genius creative talent with an outstanding track record express worry about what someone else will think of her idea.  And I have seen a brilliant and established entrepreneur feel unprepared for a week-long segment of strategic business planning.       

What's up with that?  We are talking about super-achievers, executives, and high-income earners.  We are talking about people who appear to be a million times more confident than the norm - but still it seems they are fragile. Where does that come from and how does it affect them in the long run?

Here's what I see ... self-doubt creates a blockage pattern that triggers people to hit a ceiling once they've reached a certain level of achievement.  The obstruction comes in a variety of disguises like conflict with co-workers, difficulty with subordinates, misunderstandings, frustration related to team contribution and productivity, and tension in their environment.  Here are the two most interesting components of this cycle, it's always related to relationships and it's an experience that happens over and over again in different scenarios. 

Self-doubt prompts a bottleneck in the flow of achievement.

Here are three powerful steps that anyone can use to break through this bottleneck trap:

1. Notice the pattern and take full responsibility for creating it. Identify all the places where it has shown up in the past and recognize the similarities in the different occurrences. Realise that you are the creator of this bottleneck.
2. Identify the beliefs that cause repetitive instances of work-related troubles you have faced.  Ask yourself, "What self-doubts do I have that have triggered these experiences?"
3. Challenge your beliefs and replace them with new ones.

Journaling through these steps is a very effective way to unload everything that is in your heart and mind.  Working with a skilled coach and allowing your coach to read your journal is even more transformative.   This process can expedite your growth by leaps and bounds and can quickly put a stop to years of dealing with a repetitive struggle.

Self-doubt is a noose that hangs around your neck restricting the oxygen to your achievement and success.  Any trace will cause a slow down.  It's well worth your while to examine your self-doubt and spend the time to move it out of your way. 

Did you know that you can engage in 1-on-1 coaching with President and Founder of Frame of Mind Coaching, Kim Ades, or choose from one of three other Certified Frame of Mind Coaches who are all skilled at identifying the blocks that keep you from moving forward with confidence?

Start by taking our assessment to see which areas of your life may be affected by self-doubt. 

One of our executive coaches will call you to review your assessment and identify strategies for stepping up your game.

Upcoming Happenings

By Frame of Mind
April 12th, 2012

May

Mastermind Call
Kim will be hosting a mastermind call in May exclusively for executives and entrepreneurs who have not yet been exposed to FOM.  If you know of anyone who would appreciate an invitation, please forward this newsletter to them.  You can also email kim@frameofmindcoaching.com for more information.   

Corporate Culture - What Does It Even Mean?

By Kim Ades
March 15th, 2012

I often read articles about 'Corporate Culture'.  Typically they are written by an HR professional who is just that - a professional. The language is always so sophisticated and fancy and the concepts are often hard to grasp.  But what is corporate culture and how does it even translate to a small company with just a few employees? 

Let me use an example that we can all relate to...

When you walk into your parents' house... do you take off your shoes or leave them on?  Do you give your mother a kiss, a hug, a handshake or just a wave?  Do you open the fridge freely and take what you want or wait for dinner to be served?  When you leave, do they give you the leftovers in a Tupperware container or was there barely enough food to begin with? What are the rules of engagement?  And where the heck did those rules come from?

THE RULES OF ENGAGEMENT ARE A REFLECTION OF CULTURE

If we stick with this example, we begin to understand how all of these rules were established.  My parents believe it's rude to walk into a house with shoes on - it tracks dirt, it's disrespectful - so I take them off.  My parents believe that I am starving without their food - so I get leftovers.  My parents believe that their house is my house so I am completely comfortable opening the fridge and taking what I want, etc...

Beliefs create culture - and usually, the beliefs of the leader carry the most weight.

So... what are your beliefs about how an organization should function?  Let's look at the rules of engagement that you have already created...

How do people interact with each other when they come in the door first thing in the morning?  What happens at the end of the day?  How are problems addressed and resolved?  How are new ideas absorbed and implemented? What happens when someone has a personal crisis? How are customers treated when they buy?  How are customers treated when they stop buying? 

All of these questions, plus many more, contribute to the underlying beliefs that create culture. 

Is culture important? Of course it is - culture is what determines success or failure.  Or more specifically, the beliefs, values, and perspective of the leader are what drive corporate culture.  The leader sets the tone and knowingly or unknowingly creates the culture. 

Sometimes corporate cultures are not ideal and are characterized by a lack of performance, poor bottom-line results, destructive behavior, blaming, and conflict.  When this happens we often see the leader of the organization scrambling to make changes resulting in a lot of activity, including the hiring and firing of employees, private meetings, strategy sessions, and even  team-building initiatives.  What the leader is missing is that culture change is an inside job.  If a leader wants to substantially make a change to the culture of his or her company, the change must begin with them first.

Here are some tips...

1. This is the toughest to handle -- take full responsibility for the culture that you have created.  Understand that what you see is a full reflection of your beliefs and your perspectives of the world.  If you don't like what you see, be prepared to do some deep personal work.
2. Every great leader tracks his or her thoughts and results.  Use a journal to do that...and start to ask yourself some fundamental questions about your rules of engagement.  How do your rules of engagement reflect the beliefs you have as a leader?
3. Explore other parts of your life and how they operate - for example, take a look at what it was like when you grew up - how did your family operate?  How did you operate with your friends?  How do you operate with your family now?  Are there any changes you might like to make?
4. Use your journal to define and design the ideal culture.  What does it look like? What are your new rules of engagement?  What is the feeling in the office?  What do you need to believe, think, and do in order to effect this change?

This article is also featured on Mo.com where Kim Ades is a Subject Matter Expert.




Evaluate your leadership by taking our 15 minute assessment.

Parents' Corner

By Amy McGrath
March 15th, 2012

A journal excerpt:

When my five-year-old daughter and I arrived home from school, the little girl across the street asked if she could play.  I was gearing up to go out to a celebratory dinner, but said she could play for 15 minutes.  I have a set of rules for my daughter, Lily, when she goes over to this house: no accepting gifts, no eating, and no watching TV.  I go over these rules with her right before she goes over there EVERY time. 

When the 15 minutes was up, I walked across the street to get Lily.  I dread doing this because you can knock on the door for five minutes before someone in the house hears you over the TV.  This time, I bypassed the door and knocked on the bedroom window near the front door. Lily and her friend were in there ... watching TV - breaking the law. I was having a 'conversation' with her through the glass to get her shoes on and come out.  She was dragging the experience out as long as possible so she could see the end of the show.  There I stood, unable to get in the house, but holding the screen door, waiting for her to finish doing something I told her not to do.  I was quite irritated by the time she came out and dinner didn't turn out to be much of a celebration.

 

At bedtime that evening Lily chose to not get ready for bed when I told her it was time. She wanted to keep playing.  I started reading books without her. She still had to get in pajamas, brush her teeth, floss, and say good night to daddy before she could hear the story. She missed almost an entire book. So she sat in my lap crying, asking me to go back and read the pages she missed. I kept reminding her that if she wanted to enjoy the part of the book that remained, she would have to put away her tears. She couldn't focus on anything but what she had missed.  Finally, I said, "Lily! Do you want to be happy?" Yes. "I'll tell you exactly how to be happy right now. Put away your tears and listen to the rest of this book because it's a really fun book." I gave her a moment to wipe her tears away and we were off.

None of this is really about Lily.  It's all about me. Like Lily, I had every opportunity to choose to be happy or irritated along the way.  I had the power to have a phenomenal celebration dinner.  Instead, I chose to focus on Lily not doing what I wanted her to do.  That's the crux of pretty much every tension in our house - ever. We all get irritated with each other for a unique set of behaviors which all involve the other person not doing what you want.  What does it really mean if someone doesn't do what you want them to?  I usually make it out to be a matter of disrespect when really it just means they made a different choice for themselves than I would have made. And they are entitled to make that choice. We all have freedom of choice.

My only job is to choose for myself what I will think.  It's not my job to become irritated when Lily makes decisions to do things that I know aren't best for her. It's my job to be the person who loves her no matter what decision she makes and point her in a better direction - not through force, but through gentle reminders. She gets to keep making choices for herself about what she will think, feel, and do and she gets to keep learning in each situation.  I get to keep loving her for who she is and focus my thoughts on her finer qualities, the joy she brings into my life, and the lessons she keeps teaching me along the way.

Focus your thoughts by writing in your own free online journal here!

FOM Member on Forbes.com

By David Schnurman
March 15th, 2012

The President of Lawline.com, David Schnurman, who is also a Frame of Mind Coaching client, wrote the article below, which was published on Forbes.com, based on the tools he was given during one-on-one coaching with Kim Ades, President and Founder of Frame of Mind Coaching. 


A 5 Step Plan for Achieving Your Vision 

Forming a perfectly clear strategic vision for your company is a difficult undertaking for any entrepreneur. Whether you want to double revenue, create a new product, change the world, make people happy, or do anything worth dedicating a large portion of your life to, you need to find a path.

It doesn't need to be a lengthy process--in fact, it can take ten minutes. Below is a five-step exercise I recently completed that has made a world of difference with my company and team determination to reach our goals:

1. Ask the question.

Too often when we think about what we want to do that our own negativity holds us back. Are you here or are you there? Do not focus on what you want to accomplish from afar; you need to start at the accomplishment in order to eventually tell the story how you got there. By adopting your future mindset now, you can push all that self-doubt aside and these answers become the building blocks to accomplish your vision. This is the most powerful part of the entire exercise. Click to continue reading the other four steps.

FOM Happenings - March

By Frame of Mind
March 15th, 2012

March 16 & 23 

Frame of Mind Fridays
Fridays are even better now that you're guaranteed contact from a certified FOM Coach.  If you're looking for more interaction on the Frame of Mind journaling site, Fridays are your day!  Just make sure you set your privacy setting so 'site members' can view your journal post and as long as it's Friday, a certified FOM Coach will respond with a journal comment.     

March 27
Nic and Nan Radio Show
The Nic & Nan Radio Show is a show about you - your thoughts, your dreams, your goals, your successes, your failures, your pluses, your minuses, your alphas, your omegas, your sense of humor. On Tuesday, March 27 at 10:30 am EST, listen to the conversation as Nic and Nanci Allen interview Kim Ades. 

March 30
Living with Hope Radio Show
Living with Hope is a health radio show that covers the whole spectrum of the body, mind, and spiritual connection.  Listen online on Friday, March 30 at 12:00 pm EST as Kim Ades speaks about the healthy benefits of journaling. 

March 
Read an E-Book MONTH
The celebration to read an e-book has been extended from a week to a month!  The Frame of Mind featured e-book is What You Focus On Grows: Stories for Your Frame of Mind by Kim Ades.  

When we focus on the things we want, rather than the things that are missing, we begin to attract those things into our lives. Through engaging stories about ordinary life perceived through an extraordinary lens, this book helps readers refocus their Frame of Mind on what is most important to them.

Stop Trying to Draw Blood From a Stone

By Kim Ades
March 2nd, 2012

Stop trying to draw blood from a stone.

That's the conversation I've been having with several of my clients lately. 

Case 1: My client (let's call her Jill) is upset because her dad treats her differently than he treats her step-sisters.   She keeps wanting him to invite her to events, reach out to her, and give her the same kind of attention that he gives to his other children.  He seems to have other plans.  While she does spend time with him, she feels that he is controlling and withholds his generosity from her.    She keeps wanting his affection  and consideration and feels terribly hurt when she doesn't receive it.  This has been going on for most of her life.

Case 2: My client (let's call him Jason) is frustrated to the point of insanity because his wife has no sex drive.  His wife has a problem with depression and alcohol and needs to be treated for that.  She needs the time and space to really deal with her challenges.  Jason understands this on an intellectual level but cannot deal with it emotionally.  He keeps wanting her to show physical signs of affection and lives with constant disappointment when the hugs are not warm enough or the kisses are passive. The rejection and loneliness are killing him - he often talks about being so upset that he wants to cry. 

Case 3: My client (let's call her Janet)is a senior executive for a major retail brand and is constantly agitated over the arrogance and stupidity of her boss - the president of the company.  He tells her that she has poor communication skills yet he is the one who always misses meetings and blows off her concerns.  She wants him to acknowledge her contribution to the success of the company but he never does.  She wants him to say that she is doing an amazing job and to admit that without her, the brand would be a mess - but he doesn't give an inch.  While she loves her job and is excellent at it, she is considering switching to another company.

First, it's interesting how the three situations are completely different, yet the underlying issue is basically the same.  In all three cases, Jill, Jason, and Janet are hinging their happiness and sense of self on the actions (or lack of actions) of someone else.   Each of them would be much happier and more satisfied if that significant person in their life would just behave according to their wishes. 

So here are the lessons:

1. It's not about you.  That other person is behaving the way they are behaving because of their own 'stuff'.  Don't take it on.  Don't own it and don't make it a reflection of your self-worth.
2. You are responsible for your own happiness, not them.  As long as your happiness is dependent on their actions, your happiness is in someone else's hands.  Start owning that responsibility and release them from the obligation to make you happy. 
3. Your happiness is a function of your thinking (not their behavior).  The thoughts you have create the beliefs you have which ultimately trigger the emotions you feel about any subject.   Use the process of journaling to uncover the thoughts and beliefs you have about this particular relationship.  Challenge the beliefs that cause you to feel mad, sad, frustrated or disappointed with the relationship.

 

 Start challenging your beliefs by writing in your own free personal journal!  Sign up for your free online journal here!

FOM Member Spotlight

By Melissa Lehman
March 2nd, 2012

I am in the midst of transforming myself from mom with a j.o.b. to a work-from-home entrepreneur through two different businesses - a direct sales business and a freelance writing business.   Initially, I was terrified about a lot of things, including not having the security of a steady paycheck and whether or not it was doable to try two new things at once. 

 

But, I was more afraid of going back to the Monday-Friday long days in an office, working for someone else - and the corresponding long days for my kids in childcare.  Moreover, I happened to connect with Frame of Mind Coaching and started journaling just as their team was preparing a group coaching course titled "Pushing Beyond Your Limits."  At first, I didn't think I had the resources to enroll, but I knew that it would be just the thing to help me find to find the courage I'd need to work toward success in both businesses.

 

Through writing in my journal and working with the FOM coaches, I've strengthened my ability to see myself succeeding - and doing in it my own way - and to playfully explore my ideas.  The results have helped my business, plus I feel great about bringing "me" to the work and bringing my ideas to life. 

 

I don't feel like I'm the same person as I was when I started coaching in December. Actually, I DO feel like the same person, just sort of more of me. Like I excavated something that was lying dormant under the surface. I still have the same fears and quirks, but I feel SO, soooo much more equipped to DEAL with them and put them behind me. Not that I think they're going to up and completely go away any time soon. But they just get easier and easier to work through.  I feel more confident about getting both of my businesses going AND having FUN with it.

 

Melissa Lehman is a consultant with Thirty-One and co-owner/copywriter with A1 Writing Solutions, Your Go-To Girls for Marketing (www.gotogirlsmarketing.com).  She can be reached at Melissa@gotogirlsmarketing.com.